Color Blinds and Relationships
Peace World!
Aight (pronounced Ay-ite, means “All Right” in ebonics/slang for those who don’t know and don’t know how I write)
Well that took up a line, but oh well…
Aight…so I’m walking into work and pass by a woman. She’s attractive. She’s Caucasian. I greet her, she greets me, we keep it moving. So I’m talking with a co-worker (who’s African-American) I know and asking does she know her, and she says “who?” . I describe her, and when she walks by again, I pointed her out to her. Her comment was “too many of y’all brothers getting caught up in them white girls.”
Word?
Now, we had our comments, another co-worker joined in the convo, made her comments as well. Phrases like “I don’t discriminate against other men because of color” and “strong black woman” are in the convo. We talk about how Black and White males differ in their preference towards a female mate.
Where I disagree, is this: our species is human. Our color is supposed to differentiate us in terms of what region our ancestry is from and possibly where we were currently born. It is NOT what defines us as what type of a human we are in regards to our character. For me, I’m bi-racial. Caucasian and African-American. A human above all, and I respect women regardless of what color their skin is. What makes me shake my head is the common answer I hear when this question is asked in regards to the majority of Black women in America: if Black women are to be viewed as strong (and to take it a step further, possibly stating stronger than other races), why is it they straighten their hair to look more White?
Guess Loreal loves photoshop just as much as the models do
Think about it.
How can one in the same sentence say they are a strong BLACK woman, BLACK meaning they are connecting to their original African features such as “nappy hair“, but will do anything to straighten it, such as using harmful chemicals like sodium hydroxide found in some of your relaxer lotions/creams, and using flat irons, all in the essence of allowing your hair to look more White? White being of Caucasian/European descent. Now, I know, if you comb and brush your hair everyday, and wash it, it’s not hard to maintain. So something that might take you an extra half an hour to do everyday could be a simple solution for maintaining your hair as opposed to burning it to straighten it (which is what those relaxer creams and lotions do).
Now another question comes to mind: why are Black women doing this to themselves?
One answer I can give, is being a product of your environments. One key environment; your modern day workplace.
How many of you have had to shave your head or get it trimmed and lined up (whether asked to or voluntarily done) all because it was or may be viewed as an “extreme hairstyle” for the workplace? Afros. Cornrows. Dreadlocks/Dreadlocs. Braids. All for a person of brown pigment, can be considered “cultural hairstyles” found throughout their history. But because one or more races view it as an “extreme hairstyle” or may have a personal discrepancy with it, are we subconsciously telling ourselves it’s not cool to have a hairstyle that DIRECTLY reflects our SKIN COLOR? From the burbs to the hood, we’ve seen younger kids and older folk get on each other for having a “nappy head” and, for the most part not even question it. You look at some of our role models, our athletes, our public figures, our bosses, our family members, all wearing an image they feel they need in order to SUCCEED and BLEND in with society.
If I am ever fortunate to be blessed with a daughter, half of these magazine covers and TV ads on a daily basis are constantly telling her what the “popular beauty” is, which would be a slim a figure, straight hair, all white teeth, form fitting clothes and contacts…for the most part. Maybe even hair that’s not hers (weaves, wigs, whatever you want to call them, it’s not yours). So if I’m a parent, who was once a kid like her, how am I supposed to talk to her on what beauty is? Are those magazines and TV ads lying for a commercial gain, possibly even social and psychological control?
Sounds like some sci-fi stuff. But when you really look at it from outside of your own personal box, how fictitious is it?
All of that to say this: why would your average Black man in America bust his ass to get with a Black woman (who a lot of times have their own personal and societal views and stereotypes of black men already, such as having no jobs, pimps and gangsters, unreliable fathers, and lazy) who is trying to look like another race, because she views the attributes of her natural ancestry to be unattractive, when he can easily be with the race they are trying to portray?
And this applies to White women as well, because there is the image now that White women have to have a more fuller and curvaceous body (focus on the booty and hips), fuller lips, curlier hair, and a TAN. So, you have white men who are looking for a more “exotic” (as some put it) mate for them to settle with, because your natural European features are not “attractive” to them in their eyes.
So you basically have both races trying to be like one another because they view the other race as more physically attractive then themselves.
Yea…that makes reaaaaaal sense. *insert sarcasm here*
So in actuality, as your average Joe…wait a minute, we’re gonna change that too, just so others can relate to this as well and not feel left out. You’ll see what I mean…
So, in actuality, as your average Joe/Jamal (get it?), it seems a little too much to ask of a woman to just be her natural looking self (because lets face it, untainted beauty is above all the highest beauty one can obtain), when you have all these companies telling her how I, THE MAN , should see her as beautiful. So I guess we’re all, men and women, getting duped into what beauty is supposed to be in society…but why?
Food for thought. Bon appetite!
- Das
March 11th, 2010 at 6:52 pm
Good read Dasi! Well, to address the interacial dating, I don’t think there is an exact answer as to why it happens, well if there was an answer maybe love has no boundaries? But! I actually asked a couple black guys why they chose a white gf and surprisingly they said white women are easier to maintain. Meaning they can pretty much do what they want and she’d be like whatever and the same rules don’t apply w/ black women. Now don’t get your panties all in a bunch, this doesn’t apply to all white women these are just a few guys who obviously cannot speak on behalf of every black man w/ a white woman in the world…
Now I don’t get upset when I see interracial dating, as a matter of fact, I don’t care, to each their own! As for white men wanting to be w/ curvacious women? I don’t think a man could contest that haha…
I do however, absolutely agree w/ the comments about “popular beauty” and one could say well it’s because straightened hair is the way to go. But, straightened hair is easier to maintain for some and for others natural is the way to go b/c chemical dry your hair out and all that jazz. Untainted beauty, however, is true beauty but remember Dasi, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. BAM!!
HerStory 3/25 (sorry for the shameless pub!)
Larueski
March 11th, 2010 at 7:24 pm
Basically I think we all want what we can’t or don’t have. I hear all the time from white women I’d kill to have hair like you (big curly hair). Yet all of my life I wanted straight hair. SO much so that I damaged my hair horribly trying to permanently straighten it. I use to say I’d kill for straight Indian hair but now I’ve realized I love my curly hair. Curly hair is who I am. As u mentioned though, sadly, society views straight hair as “more professional” “more acceptable”. The responses I get when my hair is straight is VERY different from when I wear my hair curly. I know if I am going to a job interview, I need to wear my hair straight. I’ll get the job. I don’t wear my hair to look more “white” or “European”. I wear my hair straight just as I would wear a suit to work rather than jeans and a t-shirt. Perception is everything when your trying to be a career woman. I’m not saying its right for people to judge based on looks but it happens and will continue to happen.
March 11th, 2010 at 8:27 pm
I LOVE IT!! Thanks so much Das, because I am getting sick and tired of it. I was told on my birthday that I should go to the salon and get a relaxer and all that nonsense and no matter how much I told this woman that I love my natural curly hair she continued to insist. Saying “It’ll make you feel sooo pretty.”
I already feel pretty… I was so confused.
Love my natural lovely sometimes nappy curls <3
March 12th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
I love it Das! So much insight from folks on this one but I would like to share my thoughts as well. I do believe there are lots of reasons folks start and continue to date outside of their race. When I was young, I lived in a town where the only folk of minority where family. Wasn’t much opportunity to date other than caucasian woman. As I hit my teens, we moved to a school district that had a lot more ethnic diversity. I never really noticed color anyway so to me it was just more options. lol. But, being bi-racial, I was constantly told that I wasn’t “Black enough”. The woman didn’t really want to date me. And considering I am a pretty easy going person, I believe that I was not treated properly in those realationships. A lot of attitude. A lot of judging. Who wants to be judge? So in my experience, I dated regardless of race but found myself completely in love with my lady of 10 years based on nothing more than a mutual respect for EACH other as human beings. I still see no color. It’s not important to me. It shouldn’t be that important to most. To each his own. But I do agree, You can’t walk around labeling people one way or another and expect them to be alright with it. If you feel that a “black” man isn’t going to take care of his kids, or isn’t going to hold a job or is a thug, hustler or whatever, well best believe he gona go a different route to stay away of those tags. BUT, let’s be honest here, Alot of dudes created that image and stick by it so it’s just as much their fault that it is such a stereotype. Love is Love! Love who loves you regardless of color. Life is 2 short to worry bout what others think. And frankly, My girl, regardless of her color or mine, is one of the most giving, caring, intelligent and outwardly beautiful woman I have ever met. I feel very fortunate to have her in my life. There is no color here. Peace and Blessings all-Verbs
March 12th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
As salaamu alaiykum, baby,
liked the blog. Thought you made some good points. My only addition would be that the belief that “each race has its place” and you should “stick with your own” reflects a specific societal headset that even the Supreme Court struck down in Loving v the State of Virginia (I think it was Virginia — and I think it was mid 60s) where a biracial couple was not permitted to marry because they were of different races…….And you know how we don’t like to cross those color lines…… Even the Supreme Court knew that prohibition was wrong.
While I appreciate that, for a woman of color, a brother that “got away” or “crossed over to the other side” (i.e., hooked up with the enemy/ someone white) is an affront, I would argue that you are attracted to whoever you are attracted to. It is the person you should be attracted to, not their race. Whole groups of folks should not be ruled out or in as potential mates simply because they do/ don’t have the right skin tone. That smacks of racism to me and reflects the Old South/ Old Headset of a drop of “negro” blood in an offspring forever classifying the offspring as black. Or, to flip it, it would be similar to the Nazi headset of the chosen race polluting itself if one of “their women” lies with a “lesser race” (and, of course, their race is the superior race and any other race is the lesser race).
So, to summarize, it is offensive to me when “either side” (white/ black/ caucasian/ african american) repeats these biases in deciding who you are permitted to date/ marry. Call me naive but love should be blind and whether my partner is a mirror image of me racially or different I think is irrelevant. Having said that, as a white woman who married a black man 24 years ago, it was an eye opening experience because I was naive and had not really seen the subtle and not-so-subtle racism bubbling beneath the surface in America. To be treated one way when I am by myself, another way when my (very black) husband is with me. And sadly, this differential treatment is not just in society itself but in my own family of origin.
You love who you love. Hopefully it is the person, not their level of melanin that attracts you. If you rule out whole classes of people based on their race, I would argue that that reflects a historical headset which is racist and dangerous. Do we really need to go down that road some more?